Deep in the vaginal intercourse heart of Texas
Dearest Texas GOP,
I have a bone to pick with you. I’ve read your recently announced 2010 State Republican Party Platform (pdf link), and I think it stinks. Aside from me disagreeing with a good majority of your beliefs, I’m most peeved about your insistence on butting your nose into my and my fellow Texans’ sex lives. Shall we look this platform over together, GOP? We shall.
“Family and Defense of Marriage – We support the definition of marriage as a God–ordained, legal and moral commitment only between a natural man and a natural woman, which is the foundational unit of a healthy society…”
Um, ok, I didn’t really expect you to budge on that topic. After all, you did arrest two male Houstonians for having sex in 1998.
“Family Values – We affirm that this section is a response to the attacks on traditional family values. These include wellfunded, vigorous political and judicial attempts by powerful organizations and branches of the government to force acceptance, affirmation and normalization of homosexual behavior upon school children, parents, educational institutions, businesses, employees, government bodies and religious institutions and charities. These aggressive, intolerant efforts marginalize as bigots anyone who dissents.”
Let’s see. If I’m a teacher, and I teach my students to accept people for who they are, no matter their sexual orientation, I’m actually attacking the family values system? Oh, I’m so dumb. Here I thought family values meant teaching our children to love one another and accept people for who they are inside and out. I promise, next time I see RuPaul’s Drag Race on tv, I’ll throw my Bible at it and curse Time Warner Cable for bringing such an atrocity into my childrens’ living rooms. When this does happen, I will be billing you for a new tv.
“Homosexuality – We believe that the practice of homosexuality tears at the fabric of society, contributes to the breakdown of the family unit, and leads to the spread of dangerous, communicable diseases…Homosexuality must not be presented as an acceptable ‘alternative’ lifestyle in our public education and policy, nor should ‘family’ be redefined to include homosexual ‘couples’…”
Wow, GOP, way to put a damper on my day. I had no idea my lesbian moms spread dangerous communicable diseases. Does this mean my sister and I have diseases too? I should go to a new doctor, because every year during my physical, I get told I’m perfectly healthy. Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention! I’ll also stop calling my mom “Mom” because you would like me to refuse her “alternative” lifestyle as “family.” Hey, Pops, it’s all up to you and your wife to teach the sister and me how to be productive human beings in this world.
“Texas Sodomy Statutes – We oppose the legalization of sodomy. We demand that Congress exercise its authority granted by the U.S. Constitution to withhold jurisdiction from the federal courts from cases involving sodomy.”
GOP, you are so funny! Let’s go look up the definition of sodomy in Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary.
sod·omy
Pronunciation: \sä-də-mē\
Function: nounEtymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French sodomie, from Late Latin SodomaSodom; from the homosexual proclivities of the men of the city in Gen 19:1–11Date: 13th century
: anal or oral copulation with a member of the same or opposite sex; also : copulation with an animal
Notice the keyword “opposite” in that definition. I know you like to ignore it and think all sodomites are gay. Sorry, Bubba. Anytime you get your dick sucked by your wife, intern, or some male prostitute, you’re committing an act of sodomy. I know you don’t like it when I bring this matter up, but come on, we’re talking about Family Values here! Are you really going to taint Texas Family Values with your sodomitic behavior?
“Right To Life – All innocent human life must be respected and safeguarded from fertilization to natural death; therefore, the unborn child has a fundamental individual right to life which cannot be infringed…”
GOP, if I have a tiny embryo growing inside me, that’s my business and none of yours. I’ll name it Ravioli and get it aborted if I damn well please, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me. You know why? Because it’s not a child! It’s an embryo; it’s not even a fetus. And most importantly, it’s my little embryonic Ravioli, and I’ll dress it up in a hat and abort it anytime I want to.
“Protection of Women’s Health – …We commend the Texas Legislature for the passage of the Woman’s Right to Know Act, a law requiring abortion providers, prior to an abortion, to provide women full knowledge of the physical and psychological risks of abortion, the characteristics of the unborn child, and abortion alternatives.”
That’s fine and good, but you should also require all abortion providers to provide physical and psychological risks when it comes to keeping a child. Let those young women know if they do decide to keep and raise the baby, their odds of having a life above poverty level and continuing their education are pretty much zero. Also tell them their sons are more likely to become incarcerated, and their daughters are more likely to become teen moms. It’s only fair.
“RU 486 – We urge the FDA to rescind approval of the physically dangerous RU-486 and oppose limiting the manufacturers’ and distributors’ liability.
Morning After Pill – We oppose sale and use of the dangerous ‘Morning After Pill.’”
You really want to go there, GOP? If you take away my RU-486 and Plan B, then I want your Viagra.
“Abortion Clinics – …We oppose any public funding for Planned Parenthood or other organizations/facilities that provide, advocate or promote abortions.”
Well, GOP, if your daughter severely injures herself after trying to conduct a self-induced abortion with a coat hanger or pencil, don’t come crying to me.
“Sex Education – …We oppose any sex education other than abstinence until heterosexual marriage.”
I love how you only want to teach sex education in regards to “heterosexual marriage.” This statement obviously goes back to your initial Family Values claus. Sorry, gay and lesbian Texas youth. The GOP doesn’t think you’re worth sex educating.
And now I’m spent, GOP. You’ve really put my brain to work, and I’m tired. I think I’ll go off now and frolic in the Houston nightlife where I will undoubtedly witness all forms of sodomy and disease spreading. If I see you during my escapades, you better hide your Viagra.
All my love,
Christine
abortion anal sex bullshit gender oral sex reproductive rights sex sex-ed sexuality texas politics LGBTQ
