dealbreaker:

GUESTBREAKER: You Got Vajazzled

We’ve been dating a few weeks now and things are getting pretty hot and heavy. One evening, after a terrible movie on the couch turns into a make out session we begin exploring each others nether regions.  At first it’s through a few layers of clothes and any oddities I detect are ignored in pursuit of the goods, however, as we get closer and closer to being fully naked together, more and more clues are pointing to something being very wrong in our awkward encounter.  I’m unable to focus on what you’re doing as my gaze keeps drifting between your legs in a search for a logical explanation for what I’m feeling. There’s no way this could be natural, right? Even at it’s stubble-iest it would never be this rough… And I’ve seen some pretty terrible underwear choices on girls I’ve been with before, but it really feels as if your bejeweled Hello Kitty thong is on inside out.

We reach the moment of truth and as we slide your pants all the way down I witness a travesty so shocking I let out an audible gasp and recoil in horror; you’ve been vajazzled. What now sits glimmering in your pubic region is tacky ornamentation that shouldn’t be be worn by anyone over the age of twelve, and especially not your holiest of places. As I’m drawn completely out of the moment I realize the other warning signs that I ignored but come to the conclusion that even those couldn’t have prepared me for this.  I collect my clothes and make my quick exit and attempt to get a good look at your face in a futile attempt for that to be what I picture when I hear your name and not your bedazzled vajayjay.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Johnny and Katia.

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